I have a confession to make, a dark and shameful secret… I’m a 28-year-old woman and I still watch teen shows.
They provide candyfloss entertainment value. The re-booted Beverly Hills 90210 has great clothes, Gossip Girl has sniping Upper East Side brats, and re-runs of Dawson’s Creek (or ‘Dawson’s Crack’ as my husband calls it) have that wildly improbable dialogue.
With boys and girls getting a hard-on or wet panties for marble man Robert Pattinson, it was inevitable that TV execs would create a weekly teen bloodsucker attraction. But did they have to resort to the drek that is Vampire Diaries?
Set somewhere in middle America, Vampire Diaries, or VD as I prefer to call it (since it’s just as unbearable), makes New Moon look like a Fellini masterpiece.
At least something happens to Twilight vampires when they go in the sun, even if it is fairy sparkling. In VD, the vampire hunk is named “Stefan” (say it in a girlish whisper), sits happily in full sunshine and doesn’t have to fight any bloody-thirsty urges. He even plays high-school football for fuck’s sake.
He also goes home and writes in his diary (internal monologue time) that he’s worried his brother has ‘lost his humanity’ because he continues to bite people. Ha, and you thought Edward Cullen was a pussy!
Of course, the ‘bad’ vampire brother loves the same girl as the ‘good’ vampire brother. It’s like Sweet Valley High with sibling issues and very large hiccies.
The stereotypical ensemble characters are as insipid as the female lead, a sorrowful orphan who used to be a cheerleader but is now, like, really deep and stuff. Obviously she also has a diary. She even writes “Dear Diary”. It’s okay, howl with laughter. I certainly did.
If only Stefan’s diary was a bit more realistic, something like, “Went to school. Drank some animal blood. Scored a touchdown, got laid. Awesome.” Now that would be a show.
So, three episodes later, I’m giving VD a skip. Gossip Girl’s Blair Waldorf is scarier and at least she doesn’t wear flannel.
*VD is on DSTV’s Vuzu Monday nights at 8:30.