It seems everyone is making bucket lists again. Since I’m morbidly-inclined and the kind of person who wanted “Polly” and “Hurt” on my wedding playlist, I think this might be a good idea.

On the other hand, I flicked through an issue of Psychologies yesterday (despite Julia bloody Roberts’ beaming face on the cover) and there was an article about why we make lists we never use. Basically it’s like touching wood – it gives us a false sense of control in an often crazy, sometimes shitty world.

The opposite of a Bucket List is a Fuckit List – stuff that you don’t care about doing before you die. The problem is a lot of people have stuff they think they should do or say they want to do, but deep down they’d rather watch the Lost box set.

So here is my honest-to-Pan “Bucket or Fuckit?” list.

• Go to Thailand. I know it’s cool, cheap, exotic and oddly popular with South Africans, but it’s last on my travel destinations. In fact, the whole of East Asia is. If I want paradise I’ll go to the South Sea Islands. Fuckit.

• Fly in a hot-air balloon. Yes, it’s cheesy. Plus heights give me vertigo and I’m not a woven basket fan. Still, I have some bizarre romantic attachment to this idea. Bucket.

• Learn another language. I like this in theory, but I’ll always choose to spend my time reading a good book in English rather than battling through Italian verbs. Fuckit.

• See Red Hot Chili Peppers live. Who doesn’t? Bucket.

• Journey across America. The husband and I have been planning a 3-month adventure around the USA for years. I would do this tomorrow if some non-existent great uncle died and left me his fortune (touch wood). Bucket.

• Have kids. My parents did an outstanding job compared to most people and even then I’m not convinced. Although if everyone’s dysfunctional anyway, you might as well have a mini-me to dress up in cute baby grows from Woolies. Undecided.

• Eat at El Bulli. This dream was shattered when Ferran Adria announced he’ll be closing it. At least I got to see him at Design Indaba a few years ago. Some people cry when they eat his food; I cried when he spoke about his food. Impossible Bucket.

• Be on TV. When I was 15 I really wanted this. I was such a narcissist. Okay, so I still am. But that was before godawful Idols and Survivor. Now I’d prefer to be in an inspiring youtube video with over a million hits. Fuckit.

• Run a 10km. Maybe it’s because they’re called “Fun Runs” or “Ladies 10km”, but I’d rather eat a tin of condensed milk or go for a surf than pound my feet on the pavement. Fuckit.

• Go into space. Hopefully they’ll sort out all those pesky travel costs before I’m too decrepit to enjoy the trip. Bucket.